The Universe

It's hard to understand why the world would conspire to keep two people apart....especially when they are so perfect together.

Maybe they aren't so perfect together. Maybe they aren't supposed to end up together...or maybe they are, it's just not the time. But then comes hoping and we all know that is worthless.

So what do you do when the universe conspires against you? Accept fate? Fight it? Wait? ....

I guess I'm waiting...

Time and Time Again

Never a priority.

If I could have a penny for every time I've felt this way, purposely or unintentionally, I'd be a rich woman.

Time and time again I find myself laying in my bed wondering why. Why not me? Why like this? Why... why.. why...

The advice I receive every always falls along the same lines:
"You're too smart."
"He's not the one."
"It's not that you're not their priority. Stop seeing it that way."

I am so ready to be loved in return and every time its unrequited. Every time.

I really think my heart is broken. If I would have gotten a penny for every time I've felt this way, maybe I could pay myself reconstructive surgery.

Dear Santa

     Sparkles cover fingernails and line my closet. They don't, however, shine through my eyes. I wish someone could see the emptiness in them so I could talk about it. Their neutral opaqueness, the unfocus. I long for the days when the season brought me hope.
     Have I grown out of it?

Good

I look at photos and they remind me of what I felt when we were "good".

I actually think I was never "good". It always bothered me that you weren't here and that you had no intention of coming here. I always knew this.

More and more people are getting engaged- and the more I See this, the more I realize I KNEW we were never going to be married.

I know something good will come of this- I know that I will find someone more perfect than you are. I know we will be more perfect together- more than you and I could ever be or would ever be.

Alone

Nothing has changed since the day of the parting.

My life remains the same. I wake up. Shower. Get dressed. Put my make up on. Smile at the mirror. Make my banana smoothie. Prepare my lunch. Kiss my dog. Walk out the door. Drive to school. Teach reading. Teach writing. Teach Math. Review. Review..... review. I leave. I drive home. Change for yoga. Practice close to 2 hours. Come home. Have dinner. Watch tv. Sleep.

Every day the same.

This was the problem. I was living in routine with no necessity.

I now occupy my time with my friends. Listen more carefully to their stories. Laugh. Wonder. Imagine.

Every day the same.

I'm bored.

I run to you

I guess this is the place I run to whenever I'm feeling something other than content.

Right now I feel... conteMPT. Angry. Annoyed. Pissed Off.

I don't even know WHAT THE FUCK is going on.

I don't know the solution. I know all the tiny little problems.

Stupid dream. Stupid Inception. Stupid "It's because you know she always abandons you". Fuck it. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Get me this

Created by me, for me, for you. -Hunger Games

I seriously need to get me one of these bracelets. Seems to me like some people are ceasing to listen.

hiding

hiding was what I did today. Hiding my intentions. Breaking away the moment I felt a chance. Then lying about it. Never again. I hated it. It made me uncomfortable. I don't know how the others do it.

Delete All

I sit here with a heavy heart and swollen eyes. I've held back tears for these past two days longer than I have in the longest time. Usually I have the space and solitude to cry my eyes out and get out; it's just harder to let it go without actually crying a damn river. 

I've thrown away all my journals. I don't want to see them. Ever.
I just kept my spiritual ones- those have sad lessons learned and happy Godly thoughts. 

I've decided to get rid of all my online blogs, too. Not this one. This one I was close to deleting but I realized I have some very meaningful things to me lurking in all these posts. I'll keep this one for special occasions. 

I don't even know where to begin. I've spoken to my mom about it but I don't think anybody understands what or how I feel. I'm perfectly content with my life. Although...my family's situation breaks my heart, it literally shatters it to pieces and leaves me standing with parted lips starring into the open sky wondering why I seem to be the only one that feels like this about it. At least I have a family and a home. But the screams and the lies and the small talk are so overwhelming. So completely overwhelming....

What part of me do I have to change? I know I do; even though I may lie a little about it to others. Usually it's easy enough to say "fuck that" and move on with my life pretending that what happens in my family is normal and that it happens to all. Then Christmas Eve and Christmas Day come along with a magnifying glass meant specifically for my use and I see what surrounds me. 

I drove home today with my sister: silence the whole way. I think in part it's because she wanted to give me space; she knew that these 2 days had been hard for me and the poor girl knew I had every intention of driving back alone. I also think its partly because she has no topic of conversation with me- if I don't bring something up then there's nothing to talk about it. I cried  momentarily, especially during Glee's version of "Fix You". I'm glad I wasn't alone on the drive, though. I really am. I wish I could just love her and forget about everything else. I do love her, but I can't get other thoughts about her out of my head; thoughts I'm too ashamed to write anywhere. 

I finally have some time to just sit here and ponder about this all. 

My mom told me I'm such a "happy girl". People usually describe me like that- "happy", "dynamic", "fun"...I feel none of those things right now... I feel.... broken. 

I just had the GREATEST TIME decorating my classroom door!!! It's a Santa Door and I'll post the picture later. I'm so into this Christmas! :) Now for coffee to wake up...  and then later THE MUPPET MOVIE! :)