Delete All

I sit here with a heavy heart and swollen eyes. I've held back tears for these past two days longer than I have in the longest time. Usually I have the space and solitude to cry my eyes out and get out; it's just harder to let it go without actually crying a damn river. 

I've thrown away all my journals. I don't want to see them. Ever.
I just kept my spiritual ones- those have sad lessons learned and happy Godly thoughts. 

I've decided to get rid of all my online blogs, too. Not this one. This one I was close to deleting but I realized I have some very meaningful things to me lurking in all these posts. I'll keep this one for special occasions. 

I don't even know where to begin. I've spoken to my mom about it but I don't think anybody understands what or how I feel. I'm perfectly content with my life. Although...my family's situation breaks my heart, it literally shatters it to pieces and leaves me standing with parted lips starring into the open sky wondering why I seem to be the only one that feels like this about it. At least I have a family and a home. But the screams and the lies and the small talk are so overwhelming. So completely overwhelming....

What part of me do I have to change? I know I do; even though I may lie a little about it to others. Usually it's easy enough to say "fuck that" and move on with my life pretending that what happens in my family is normal and that it happens to all. Then Christmas Eve and Christmas Day come along with a magnifying glass meant specifically for my use and I see what surrounds me. 

I drove home today with my sister: silence the whole way. I think in part it's because she wanted to give me space; she knew that these 2 days had been hard for me and the poor girl knew I had every intention of driving back alone. I also think its partly because she has no topic of conversation with me- if I don't bring something up then there's nothing to talk about it. I cried  momentarily, especially during Glee's version of "Fix You". I'm glad I wasn't alone on the drive, though. I really am. I wish I could just love her and forget about everything else. I do love her, but I can't get other thoughts about her out of my head; thoughts I'm too ashamed to write anywhere. 

I finally have some time to just sit here and ponder about this all. 

My mom told me I'm such a "happy girl". People usually describe me like that- "happy", "dynamic", "fun"...I feel none of those things right now... I feel.... broken.