Are we ever ready?

It's not the first time I write about death in my blog. As my sister puts it, "I've learned to accept death" for what it is. It is a life unfulfilled, a life with regrets that should bring sorrow.

And, ever so NOT subtly, death always brings us to think about life. I do not regret one thing that I've done, because every single step, every so-called mistake, every tear, every smile, every achievement, every failure has brought me to where I am today. I'm learning to love myself for who and what I am...regardless of the mood that I wake up in the morning in... I even gifted myself an "all about me" calendar to help me with this.

It was something else that moved me... something else that day that brought me all kinds of sadnesses.

As we said our final goodbyes, my grandfathers sister cried. There were no sobs; only tears. That's when I thought "what will happen when anyone of my close friends... what's going to happen when I have to say goodbye to my sisters".

I shouldn't have thought about this, but it was unavoidable. How am I going to have to let go? How will things happen? Will I be ready? Will it be unexpected? How old will we be? Who will be there? Will I think "I've learned to accept death"? Probably not. I'll probably be angry, and sad, and devasted and in despair. It will be horrible. It will go down as the saddest day of my life.

I promise to enjoy their company as much as I can. I want to enjoy their LIFE and celebrate each and every day of it, hopefully until we're too old to recognize each other. hehe. I don't know. This post has no point, really. They're just words on a screen. Fleeting thoughts put on "paper" to make them more real. Death happens. We must be ready for it. Life. Love. Laugh. Cry. Hug. Jump. Sing. Dance. Drink. Go out. Stay in. Enjoy a Movie. Gossip. Read. Live. Just live the life not even we imagine so when something like this happens, we have no regrets.

I really hope I can make a change in these kids.

I hope they'll grow up and remember me always.

It was a joke

It's never been all about me. Not even when I take those extra-long personality tests. It is in my nature, according to NLJ (or something like that) to care more about others than myself; to help others before helping myself; and to live my life wanting to make everyone's life a little better.

So there I am at Borders, taking a little time away from all that so-called "helping" and I ran into the calendar section. The sign read "ALL CALENDARS 4 DOLLARS". "Like I need another calendar in my life". My classroom is inundated with them, my computer vomits calendars, and my life pukes deadlines.

The I saw this.

I scanned through it, and I thought "what the hell, I'll buy it".

I have to say, it's my best investment of twenty ten- so far.

The part that I love the most is the one that says "me-me-me-mantra"... one daily reason why I love myself. It's a bit shallow, but it feels good to remind myself of why I like myself so much... (I need reminders, because, I must admit, I don't like myself all that much).

Today I wrote, "I love me because I get to wear my OBAMA SHIRT on MLK day".

I love that shirt. It was a gift from my sister who loves me. It was a gift for my birthday, and I got to wear it on one of my top birthday celebrations. I've worn it so many times this year: camping, helping kids from AFRICA, vegas 2009. It reminds me of happy times. It reminds me of times I've felt fulfilled. It reminds me of many reasons that I am, afterall, a happy person.

So today, I loved myself, because I have a shirt that makes me happy...let's see what I can come up with tomorrow.

No more than "just"

I always thought we were more than "just friends" (and I say "friends" for the sake of keeping the true identity of the person this blog is about a secret). I thought there was a bond and a kickass friendship and undeniable meshwellness.

There's not. You make plans and never invite. You visit and never let me know. You go fun places, and the last person you wish would acompany you is not even me.. because I'm not even in last place of your list.

It's really sad; you're really sad.

Go have fun with your friends that betray you all the time. One day you'll look back and realize it was all your fault.

A "refreshing" moment

I was feeling melancholic- Air Supply wasn't making it any better. I heard my sister turn on the TV in her bedroom and the "I'll Be There for You" melody drew me in. Without notice, I walked into her room prepared to jump on her bed and watch an episode with her- kind of like we used to do when we lived in a smaller apartment. As I walk in, unnoticed, I see her... drowned in her comforter, a bottle of febreeze in hand, relentlessly shooting that odor elminating fabric refreshner all over the place.

It is, sincerely, one of the most ridiculous things I've ever seen. Can you spell O.C.D?

Oh, Kiks. I really do love you.

And the award goes to....

me!

I just got the news that I have been selected for new teacher of the year. I couldn't be happier!
So yes, readers of my not so happy blog, the following is a VERY HAPPY POST.

Two years ago I was dying. Not literally, but emotionally. I was in despair and everything was going wrong. I hated my freaking job and I couldn't think of the positive things in my life because I was so engulfed in the negative aspects of it. Love: Blah. Work: Blah. Mission in life: Blah. Spirituality: Blah.

Then my best friend and sister told me : be a teacher... it's the most rewarding job ever.

I dumped the people I hated, took a course, and started as an assistant at this school I'm in right now. I loved waking up in the morning... I loved working with this super cool exotic teacher... I loved the children... and I loved when I could tell I was making a difference in the life of some kids. I still love that those kids remember me and hug me every time they see me.

Then I was hired to teach. My own classroom, my own students, my own opportunity to make a change. Me making a change? Little did I know that I was the one that was going to be changed.

The other new teachers rock my world. They're always so happy and relaxed. Everything they touch turns to gold and I feel like half the time I'm digging for clams. It's all consuming and oh so tiring. There is no better reward than watching a student READ for the first time, or ADD and SUBTRACT all on their own, or recognize the difference between them two. But I gotta say, getting a reward for rocking kinda rocks all on its own.

I love my life. I love it all.